How fear helped me find my voice

Fear was ever present in me as I nudged against the reality of how I wanted to be known in this world.

Fear kept me small, fear I resisted, I resisted with all that I had. This very fear turned my hair grey and used up so much of my precious, precious energy.

I started to believe that there may be another way to be with this fear, this resistance.

I began to search for ways I could think of fear differently, I started to feel this resistance growing and growing, taking up more and more of my life, it was creeping into the corners of my life and visiting me during the wee hours of the morning.

My 40th birthday brought with it, a wonder and a desire to live my life as the fullest expression of who I wanted to be, who I desired to be known for.

I wondered… is there a way I could be with life that was different to this resistance? Do I want, did I really want, this energy of resistance to fear to keep me stuck, to keep me limited, keep me small, keep me resisting, keep me pushing against?

And I didn’t, my answer was no, but the how kept me there!

I didn’t know what that would look or be like, I had no idea, I had never stepped with fear before. I had never wanted to move through something, I never really wanted to change something on such a deep level that it forced me to take responsibility and move through the stuff that was keeping me there.

I started to think of how I could do that, and how I could express in a different way to those that caused my greatest resistance. It wasn’t the doing of others that was the cause of my discomfort, it was my resistance to them. I needed to find a language that would help me understand, that would help me move through, push through this resistance. So I did, I got clear on what it was I was resisting most.

Who was triggering my resistance? I realised that I have a person in my circle who has a very different belief system to me and I was being triggered. And I got clear on what that resistance was – I didn’t feel heard by this person, I didn’t feel listened to!

When I was around that energy I felt I needed to be invisible and be silent in order to avoid the resistance and withdrawal from the energy that I was feeling.

So, I was with fear and I had to make a choice on how I was going to move through this. The way I chose, the way that worked for me, was to find the language and approach this person to let them know.

It wasn’t a deep and meaningful “let’s spend an hour together” conversation, it was just me, in the space with this person and their differences. I found my voice to say “that’s an interesting way to look at that, I’ve never thought of looking at it that way”. That was it. Simple. I felt I had a voice.

There are times when my voice trembles when I speak this way, but what this allows me to do is feel moments of joy. Moments of joy that I hadn’t felt before, and those moments of joy are so worth the trembling voice and the racing heart. For me, I found that what makes life meaningful is when I can stand for myself, when I know myself, when I am learning about myself and discovering the things that light me up and the things that bring me something else. I really am getting to know myself and taking the steps back home.

What is different now is my intention. My intention now is to develop all aspects of myself so I can find and discover the magic of living. And… my intention is no longer having to prove myself to others. This is a huge point of difference for me!

Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I still resist, that I push against, but what is different is my awareness of this, on this journey that I am choosing to take! I am aware when I start resisting. And let me tell you what I know to be true… the more we resist something, the more it persists.

I encourage you to get curious about your resistance and lean into the fear, because when we do (well when I do), you will find riches beyond your capacity to think. I’m not talking about financial abundance here, this is uncovering the parts of me that were buried under this fear. The gold that lies within my bones, the gold that lies within my soul, the gold that is my soul.

Take the sacred journey back home and discover the magic of living. What I am finding to be true is that living a meaningful life doesn’t mean that there is no discomfort. Living a meaningful life for me means leaning into the discomfort and discovering something about yourself that leads to the magic of living.

“Discovering the magic of living” – I love these words! For me, they capture how I desire to be of service to both myself and those who choose to work with me in my Kinesiology business.

I resonate with these words so deeply! Discovering the magic of living is about just that, discovering who you are, learning who you are and bringing that out into the world. Even if that means “Wow I am listening to my body and hmmm my body feels icky when I eat white bread”. That is you learning something about yourself. Then from that day on, you make a choice on what you put into your body.

The same is true for emotions and people that bring up resistance. Discovering who you are means you learn that you may not like being around, for example, judgemental people. Asking yourself the questions – How can I be around them? What can I do to protect myself? Then do that, and feel the difference for yourself!

That my dear ones is how fear led me to my voice and enabled me to discover the magic of living!

Tracey Gillis-Sinclair – Wisdom to Wellness



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